I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
