Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
