Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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