covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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