that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
