your thong is hanging out like whoa
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
