Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
