the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
