Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
