remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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