Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
