Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Found your dick twin last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
