2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
