i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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