I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
