You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
