we have officially lost it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
