just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize