he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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