Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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