the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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