I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
