Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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