its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize