Heybabeimwearingurpanties
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
