she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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