on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
