That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
