Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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