Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
