my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
