saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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