There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
