She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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