I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
