i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
