if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
