I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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