I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize