from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
