I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize