can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize