My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
