I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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