i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
