My nipple is on Facebook.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
