i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
