This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
