a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what day is it and did you see me today?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
