Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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