4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
