i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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