I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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