my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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