I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
