dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
