If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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