I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
